I haven't been this socially disengaged since junior high school. Dan Bejar writes in "European Oils", "I was a dominant theme in a number of places." For the last ten years this seemed like an end in itself. That's not to say that I haven't met some wonderful people in Korea, or don't value my friends back in the states, but I'm finally ok with not knowing where the party is every weekend. Separating oneself from alcohol isn't just about ending a relationship to a substance, it's about forsaking the primary social event for our whole age group. In your teens it's the diner, the dance, the football game (my experiences at this age were vastly different than Amanda's), in your thirties it's the parent's of your kid's friend. In your twenties it's the bar, the great social hamster wheel.
I hadn't stepped off the wheel since I got on. While I was on the wheel it always felt like I was going somewhere because I was running as fast as I could. Now that I've stepped outside for a substantial amount of time I see the wheel for what it is, stationary. It's the illusion of progression when you're really not going anywhere. It's the safe way to feel like you're moving forward whithout risking anything, especially failure, but also without making any meliorative changes.
I've never considered myself an introvert, but lately I have had little desire for social interaction, and place no emphasis on popularity or being in the mix like I used to. Sobriety is getting easier and easier as my priorities are changing, and I'm becoming happier with who I am and what I have. It also helps to have wonderful partner to share sobriety's ups and downs with.
"Innocence is the child, and forgetfulness, a new beginning, a game, a self- rolling wheel, a first movement, a holy Yea.
ReplyDeleteAye, for the game of creating, my brethren, there is needed a holy Yea unto life: ITS OWN will, willeth now the spirit; HIS OWN world winneth the world's outcast."
Rolls even without lubrication. As do you, it appears. Rock!